Is it so hard to just say thank you?
[Spinelli giggles]
Jason: Get your hands off him.
Claudia: In case you didn’t notice, he’s on top of me.
Spinelli: Oh, Stone Cold. Oh, Stone –
Claudia: Whoa!
Spinelli: Greetings. Um, the Jackal, uh, that is, Damian — we all feel most peculiar.
Jason: You’re drunk.
Claudia: Which was your first clue?
Spinelli: Oh, thank you.
Jason: How much did you have to drink?
Spinelli: Damian had a vodka with — or three. But it was just a — it was just a prop, an appendage to his elegant persona.
Jason: Your what?
Spinelli: When — Damian’s job was to charm the rival fashionista, but then the Jackal reared his socially inept head and all –
Claudia: He’s been babbling like this since I found him on the elm street pier.
Spinelli: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Vixenella was most surprisingly helpful tonight after your grasshopper found himself inexplicably on the pier without a memory as to how to get home. She — she rendered him aid and comfort.
Jason: What did you do to him?
Claudia: Nothing. I found him like this on the pier. He was going to lay down and sleep there. I thought he’d be a sitting duck for muggers, so I –
Spinelli: No, Damian can hold his liquor. Alas, the Jackal cannot. Oh.
Jason: Why — why were you drinking vodka?
Spinelli: To appear relaxed, you know, nonchalant and all? Oh, um, Damian — Damian projected style, class, and he had an Australian accent.
Jason: What? Stop it. Why do you keep saying Damian?
Spinelli: Damian’s me. Well, he was for a brief and shining moment until disaster struck.
Jason: Since when do you worry about Spinelli?
Claudia: I felt sorry for the guy, okay? He was acting crazy at the Haunted Star and talking –
Jason: Yeah, what were you doing at the Haunted Star?
Spinelli: I told you, I was charming the rival fashionista.
Claudia: He was gambling with Jasper Jacks and Kate Howard and some other woman and talking in that fake Australian accent.
Spinelli: Yeah, the — the Valkyrie’s white knight took pity on the Jackal and taught him the secret of woo.
Jason: Secret of what?
Spinelli: Woo. Wooing.
[Spinelli giggles]
Spinelli: Wooing and winning the female — the female heart. He taught me — he taught me how to — he taught me how to stand and — stand and speak and — and talk and — and hold a drink. And lo and behold, it worked. I was transformed. I was transformed into Damian. And I — I impressed. I entertained. I charmed. And then, at the most crucial moment, the masquerade failed.
[Spinelli whines]
Jason: What happened?
Spinelli: The details are too painful to recount.
Claudia: From what I understand, some girl showed up and –
Spinelli: Yes, the fairest of the fair, highly ever unattainable.
Claudia: I guess Spinelli saw her and lost his nerve and dropped the accent and then got drunk.
Spinelli: Trying in vain to drown my sorrows.
Claudia: And then, I don’t know, he ended up on the Elm Street pier, which is where I found him, and I brought him home.
Jason: Why?
Claudia: What is your problem? Is it so hard to just say thank you?
Spinelli: The Jackal offers his sincerest thanks.
Claudia: That’s okay, Spinelli, I’m talking to Jason. Let him answer.
Spinelli: Okie-dokie.
Claudia: I found Spinelli drunk and disoriented on the pier. I tried to help him out. Is that so hard for you to understand?
Spinelli: Vixenella did a good deed.
Jason: You wanted me to owe you.
[Claudia scoffs]
Claudia: Did it ever occur to you, Jason, that I owe you for saving my life and maybe helping your friend was my way of saying thank you?
Spinelli: Not everything Vixenella does has an ulterior motive.
Claudia: You know, for all your tough-guy attitude, maybe your grasshopper here has more common sense than you do.
Spinelli: Would you like to break bread with us?
Jason: No –
Claudia: Did you just invite me to dinner?
Spinelli: Well, see, the room is starting to — to rotate in a most alarming manner, and I just thought maybe some carbohydrates might be –
Claudia: Oh, you have the spins. Honey, you need something greasy and full of carbs. You better order a pizza before Damian yaks all over your floor.
Jason: Thanks.
Claudia: Did you check and make sure they got the order right, ’cause I ordered pepperoni, I want to make sure –
Spinelli: The Jackal will assist his –
Claudia: Okay, stay right here until we get some food in you, okay? Why didn’t you check to see what was in it? I ordered pepperoni. You’re not big on conversation, are you?
Jason: You know what? You can leave anytime.
Claudia: I am going to have a slice of pizza. I’m hungry, so shoot me.
[Spinelli giggles]
Claudia: Sorry, bad joke. Well, I haven’t had time to stock my new refrigerator in my new apartment since you burned down my house. So I am going to eat the slice and then I’ll leave.
Spinelli: We’re delighted to have the company of such a charming and dare I say fetching young lady.
Jason: Shut up, Spinelli, and eat your pizza.
Claudia: You know what — stop. Why don’t you stop ordering him around? Maybe if you treated him better, he wouldn’t have to go around acting like an Australian Romeo just to feel good about himself.
Spinelli: The Jackal appreciates your spirited defense, but it is most unnecessary.
Claudia: Well, you know what, it’s not. Someone has to stand up to this bully. How could you possibly have such a sweet friend and treat him like dirt?
Spinelli: Vixenella is sorely mistaken. Stone Cold is a superlative friend to the Jackal.
Claudia: Not that I can see.
Spinelli: Stone Cold is loyal and supportive, and not only has he saved the Jackal’s life numerous times, he provides guidance and counsel, a well-paid vocation and this superb place to live — granted my chambers are of a regrettably pink shade. But you know the pink hue of my regrettably pink room has actually proved most beneficial to my focus and concentration.
Claudia: Hey, none of that makes up for the way that he treats you.
Spinelli: Stone Cold is occasionally terse in speech, so that may have given Vixenella the wrong idea as to his inherently generous nature.
Claudia: Okay, let me see if I’ve got this right. You pay Spinelli and you let him live in your pink room. He does all your computer hacking, which is a crime, by the way. So you have this kid breaking the law and getting shot at. In my book, that makes you a pretty lousy friend.
Jason: It’s true, Spinelli. I haven’t done you any favors, that’s for sure.
Spinelli: No, the Jackal protests the veracity of that most misleading statement. Your grasshopper was already in toils with mobsters, namely the shark-skinned Darth Alcazar, when he and Stone Cold first met.
Claudia: Darth Alcazar?
Spinelli: Lorenzo Alcazar paid the Jackal heftily for his cyber services, but then Stone Cold came and changed my life for the better by being a bastion of integrity.
Claudia: From one mobster to the next — yeah, that’s really bettering yourself, Spinelli.
Spinelli: While the Jackal appreciates Vixenella’s assistance and concern, he must ask her to refrain from engendering guilt in Stone Cold on the Jackal’s behalf.
Claudia: It’s sweet the way he hero worships you. It’s like you’re his older brother.
Spinelli: The Jackal could only hope to be worthy of a sibling-like bond with Stone Cold.
Claudia: Being an older sibling is a sacred bond. You always have to be there for your little brother. You never, ever let him down.
Jason: You finished with your pizza?
Claudia: You’re not good at taking advice, are you? Okay, I can take a hint.
Spinelli: Vixenella’s welcome to more soda if she likes.
Claudia: Thanks, Spinelli, but your hero is practically booting me out the door. So have another piece of that pizza, and you’ll feel great in the morning, okay? Bye.
HAZMAT Dude: Stay here. The man who delivered your food was exposed to the Asian ague, a highly contagious illness. To avoid further outbreak, you’re all under quarantine. No one may leave the premises.
